How I Met Your Mother
by CelticMagic
Summary: Tai decides to tell his 18-year-old a story about how he met his future wife. A lot of hilarious situations, random couplings, and in true HIMYM-style, future duckie ties. Might be rated M in the future for extreme cussing. CASTING CALL: OC's wanted. More details inside!
1. Pilot

**How I Met Your Mother**

"Son, it's your eighteenth birthday," an adult Tai placed his hand on his son's shoulder.

"Yes! Thank you, Dad! You're the best!"

"Why am I the best?" Tai gave his son an amused look.

"You got me that sports car, right?"

"..." Tai blinked. "No."

"Then why else would you say 'It's your eighteenth birthday, sonny boy!' like you're Grandpère?" Tai's son frowned.

"I'm not acting like your grandfather!" Tai said.

"Yeah, in order to act like him, you'd have to smell like 3 bottles of whiskey and have a girlfriend my age."

"Whoa buddy! Now that you're eighteen, you have now officially entered manhood. As a man, the rules have changed. Whatever you thought you knew, just empty it out of your head-"

"Dad...don't tell me that your birthday present is going to be a second puberty lecture," Tai's son groaned.

"No! It's better than that! Here," Tai handed his son a lottery slip.

"Hah, maybe if I get the numbers right, I'll win the friggin' jackpot," Tai's son rolled his eyes.

"Hey, if you inherited my luck, you might," Tai winked.

"What do you mean?" Tai's son looked down at his blank lottery slip.

"I'm gonna tell you the story of how I met your mother," Tai clutched on to a blue-and-white scarf.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Tai's son crossed his arms.

"What if I told you that the nearly impossible happened to me? It all started when I was 25 years old. I was given a position at the UN, so I packed my bags, said Sayonara to Japan, and moved here to New York City. I lived there for a month, and I was still trying to settle in. I didn't have much of a social life, but it wasn't like I had anyone to hang out with. My coworkers were all old, stuffy people and I was probably the youngest diplomat there. Even when we had to attend special conferences, they never talked to me unless they really, extremely had to. They didn't bother to get to know me, and I didn't want to bother with them, so every day, I would go straight home from work. My daily routine was about the same: get up, get dressed, go to work, go home, sleep and repeat. But one day, I decided to do something different. It's kind of funny how one small change can shake up your whole life..."

* * *

There are about 8 million people who live in New York City. You know how I told you that I had some damn good luck? That's exactly what happened when I took a slight detour from my way back home. There was a tavern underneath my apartment building, so I decided to check it out. Partly because I was bored, but mostly because I had a bad day at work and there was nothing that I wanted to do more than to get drunk.

"I'll have a Nakasawa on tap, please," I said.

"Coming up."

I put my head on the bar, exhausted from all of the arguing at work. Let's just say everyone had a little disagreement over the status of Sealand's statehood, and while all of the old guys were okay with shoving their opinions down my throat, they refused to listen to any word I had to say on the matter. I could normally deal with their arguing, but that day, it just sucked all of the energy out of me. I didn't want to go straight home, but I didn't have anyone to hang out with at the time, so I decided to do the next best thing. The bar, the one place where you can drink by yourself and not look pathetic, unless you're spewing cheesy or sleazy pickup lines to some definitely uninterested babes.

"Here you go, a Nakasawa on ta-Tai?!"

"Joe? What the hell are you doing here?" I asked.

"I work here...," Joe pushed his glasses up.

"You work here?" I repeated in shock.

"Yeah...," Joe said, looking anxious.

"Why? You're a bartender?" I shook my head.

"No, I just take care of the beer. I can't do fancy cocktails or whatever, like that girl," Joe tilted his head toward this petite redheaded girl. With one hand, she grabbed three huge bottles and started juggling them while she set up several glasses with the other hand. After a couple of juggles, twists, turns, bottle flips, the girl poured everything into a cocktail shaker and spun it on the top of her finger, like a basketball. She continued juggling the bottles, and put them back on the shelves where they belonged, all while keeping the cocktail shaker twirled at the top of her finger. She went back to the bar counter, flipped the shaker, opened it, and smoothly poured the concoction into the glasses.

"Whoooo!" a couple of girls howled and clapped.

"Wow, she's good," I nodded my head, impressed.

"Just a little too good. Not that I should be complaining," Joe said.

"Why do you say that?" I took a sip out of that beautiful, foamy brew.

"Well, the only reason they hired me was because they needed someone who was willing to serve the beer. She can do all of those fancy tricks and she knows how to make a bunch of cocktails, so she refuses to go back to pouring beer," Joe explained.

"That's cool, sounds like the dream," I nodded my head. "How can you work here and not drink everything?"

"Easy. All those med classes scared me out of drinking anything but red wine, and the occasional Bloody Mary," Joe said. "Red wine has antioxidants in it, so it's a little healthier than other types of liquor."

"Right...," I tapped my fingers against the bar counter.

"Hey Jim!" the redheaded girl elbowed Joe in the ribs. "I gotta make an Irish Car Bomb."

"Okay. I'll be back," Joe said to me before he fetched some beer for the obnoxious bartender. "And by the way, my name's Joe."

"Whatever you say, newbie!" the girl tapped her temple and flicked her finger in Joe's direction.

"So whatever happened to your dreams of being a doctor?" I asked.

"I'm in my last year of med school. My scholarship money took care of some of my school expenses, but not everything," Joe shrugged. "So what are you doing? Did you get recruited into Manchester United?"

"No, I'm not a soccer superstar. I'm actually working at the UN now," I said.

"Wow. I never expected you to have a serious job," Joe said. In fact, he's not the only one. Hard to believe this son, but I was a totally different person growing up. Back then, I was a goofball who never thought before he acted, and I had a slight tendency to be bossy-

* * *

"Slight tendency?" Tai's son raised an eyebrow.

"Shut up," Tai said.

"To wrap it all up, I was a fun person. Sure, I acted like an idiot a lot-"

"You still do."

"Look kid, just because you're eighteen doesn't mean you can mouth off at me," Tai said.

"But even though I acted like a moron, it was probably the only time I truly had some fun. I guess somewhere along the line, I started becoming more "mature". I don't know why or how, but my personality did a complete 180 and I never felt so miserable."

* * *

"Yeah, I never expected a job like that either," I droned.

"Hey hey hey!"

Joe waved and I turned around to see my favorite blond brothers. Matt looked like he just came back from a workout, while TK looked like Portland threw up on him. "Hey! Is that you?!" Matt's jaw dropped.

"Yeah, it's me alright," I said.

"Tai!" Matt ran up and gave me a tight hug. "Holy crap? What are you doing in New York? And why are you wearing a suit? And holy shit, you cut your hair!"

"Hi, how are you doing?" TK shyly smiled at me.

"Matt...you're suffocating me," I struggled to speak.

"Oh, sorry," Matt let go of me. "How 'bout we get a table?" he asked Joe.

"Okay," Joe walked out from behind the counter. As he led us to an empty booth, I couldn't help but to be shocked. Running into one friend is rare, but reunited with three of them? I had to be dreaming; there's no way a coincidence like this can happen.

"Hello, earth to Tai...," Matt waved his hand up and down my face.

"Sorry," I shook my head and snapped back to reality.

"It's really good to see you again," TK chuckled. "How have you been?"

"I've been doing alright," I shrugged. "So what are you guys doing in New York?"

"I've been studying English at Brooklyn College," TK said. I guess that explained his hipster look.

"And I just came to visit him. I only planned to stay for the summer, but then this dude from Battery Juice asked if I wanted to be an astronaut and I was like 'Sure, why the hell not?'. It's not like I was going to school at the time," Matt said.

"That's right. So, how'd the band take it?" I asked. You see, while most of us were packing up and heading to universities, Matt decided he wanted to go further with his band and try to start a music career. Obviously, it didn't turn out as well as he planned.

"After I told the guys, they definitely weren't too happy with me. Not too long after I left the band, our drummer also decided to quit because he became a daddy. The bassist and lead guitarist were the only ones left at that point, and since they had some creative differences, Teenage Wolves became extinct," Matt said.

"It was probably for the best. A band full of 20-something's who call themselves the Teenage Wolves is...creepy," TK grimaced.

"Shut up, you dork!" Matt pinched the skin of TK's arm.

"Eeeeppp!" TK yelped.

"Hey! TK's right," I said. A lot of things changed about me, but one thing that would stay the same is my love for pissing Matt off.

"Gah, you made me lose my train of thought," TK rubbed his arm.

"What's that?" I pointed at what appeared to be a bunch of scrap paper held together by a binder ring.

"Nothing really, just writing some stuff," TK turned red.

"It's his whittle diah-wee, where he whites down all his dirty whittle see-quits!" Matt mocked.

"Knock it off," TK nudged him. "I just like writing in my free time. Hopefully, I can publish my own book one day."

"Fairy," Matt poked TK in the cheek.

"Stop it. I'm not in a good mood," TK slapped Matt's hand away.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Nothing much. I just got a really bad grade on a paper, someone stole my bike, I accidently dropped some really hot ass coffee on my lap, I lost my rent money, and now Matt's fucking around with me again," TK pressed his lips together.

* * *

_Earlier that day..._

"Mr. Takaishi, can I speak to you?"

"Sure, what's up?" TK adjusted his canvas tote bag.

"I just wanted to hand this to you in person," the professor handed him a folder. "If you want to stay in the accelerated English program, you might want to hand in some quality material instead of this pure crap. You're not in high school anymore. If you want, you can revise this and drop it in my mailbox by Friday. I don't do this for just anyone, so I suggest you take full advantage of this chance."

"Thanks," TK took the folder. He waited until the professor walked away before opening the folder. A huge red U was scrawled on the front page. "Unsatisfactory? Even an F would be better," he groaned.

_*clink*_ Someone broke off TK's lock and rode off with his Schwinn Stingray.

"Hey! That's my bike!" TK hollered. He chased after the guy, but he was too slow.

_*plop*_

"Aww, crap!" TK stopped in his tracks. His bag ripped on the bottom and all of his things fell out. "Alright there, TK. It can't get any worse from here. I'll just relax and grab a cup of coffee," he said to himself as he gathered up his belongings. He cradled his stuff in his arms and walked over to the campus cafe cart.

"What would you like?" the vendor asked.

"I'll have a regular coffee and a cheese danish," TK said.

"Coming right up," the vendor grabbed the pastry and coffee and quickly placed it on the counter. "That'll be $4.83."

"Okay," TK awkwardly shifted his stuff around. "Where's my wallet?"

"Dude...," the vendor shook his head.

"Aw, come the fuck on!" TK dropped all of his things on the ground.

"Dude, it's on the house. Looks like you're having a hard enough time," the vendor said.

"Thanks," TK picked his things back up and grabbed his food.

"Take it easy," the vendor said.

TK nodded and sat down on the nearest empty table. He ripped up a piece of his danish and stuffed it in his mouth. TK went to reach over for his essay but he knocked his coffee over.

"HOLY FUCK!" TK shouted and jumped up from his seat.

"Whoa...Takaishi had a little accident," a beefy guy jeered.

"I don't know how you do things in Japan, but in America we use bathrooms," TK's sociology teacher shook his head and walked on.

"Ew, gross," a couple of sorority girls passed by TK.

"I-uhhh...," TK sighed. "I hate today."

* * *

"Sounds like a really bad day," I shook my head.

"So Tai, what do you do?" Matt changed the subject.

"I'm a diplomat at the UN now," I said.

"Holy crap! That's insane! I could have never pictured you with a serious job like that," Matt looked at me with awe.

"Same here," TK nodded.

"This hasn't been the first time I've been told that," I tried playing it cool. I don't normally care when people say that, but it only reminds me of all of the dreams I never fulfilled and the misery that came along with my newfound seriousness.

"So how's Kari doing?" TK switched the subject.

"I wouldn't know. I haven't seen her since I left for school...," I said. I was eighteen when I was admitted to Pace University, and I haven't returned to Japan since.

"Same here," TK shrugged. "We've emailed each other a couple of times, but we lost touch after a while. It's been years since we've seen anyone. We just ran into Joe a couple of months ago, and now that we ran into you, it's totally surreal."

"Yeah," I said. We all promised that we would keep in contact with each other after we went our separate ways. It worked well for a little bit, but as time went on, we just stopped talking. The emails were less and less, until we just completely gave up keeping in touch with each other. Now, the only thing I get from Kari is a Christmas card.

"Oh boy, either I'm tripping on compressed air or it's really you guys."

The only person I know who would say that is... "Izzy?" I blinked.

"Holy fuck! Izzy?" Matt gasped.

"That's me," Izzy slid in next to Matt. "It's crazy to see all you guys here. So what have you been up to?"

"I'm an astronaut-in-training," Matt bragged.

"I'm a diplomat," I said. Before Izzy could make a sound, I interrupt him. "Yeah, I know. Unexpected, enough said."

"What? I might have been about to say something else," Izzy said defensively.

"But you weren't going to," I smirked.

"Dammit Tai," Izzy sighed.

"Missed you too, Izzy," I made a face at him.

"So Frizzy, what brings you to the city?" Matt rested his arm around Izzy's shoulders.

"I just finished moving all of my stuff into my new apartment. I flunked out of MIT so now I'm stuck in NYU," Izzy grumbled.

"Oh no, NYU! That's the worst thing that could happen to a person," I sarcastically said.

"How'd you flunk out? You're the smartest guy I know," TK put his pen down.

"My cumulative average was a 97," Izzy sighed.

"So you got expelled because you got a 97? That's a good grade if you ask me," I said.

"Tell that to MIT. You have to at least get a 98 average."

* * *

_A couple of days ago..._

Izzy was walking back to his single dorm when he found a note tacked on to the door.

"_Dear Mr. Izumi, due to your poor cumulative grade point average, we regret to inform you that you are no longer a student at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. We've taken the liberty to move all of your belongings out of your former dormitory. You are free to collect them at the designated RA's office._

_-Sincerely, the staff at MIT_,"

Izzy stared at the paper in disbelief. "This has to be a prank."

"Hey, Izumi! Can you get out of the way? We're trying to move Camilla's stuff in," the RA said. "She'll be taking your old dorm."

"What?" Izzy shook his head.

"Your stuff's in my place. All your crap's making me claustrophobic, so take it out before I pawn it all," the RA said.

"Wh-uh-okay," Izzy tried to hold in his anger.

"It was nice having you here! Bye, Izumi!"

"Sayonara, jackass!" Izzy walked away and flipped off the RA.

"Moshi moshi," the RA gleefully waved by to Izzy. "Gotta love that Japanese culture!"

* * *

"I was accepted to NYU, so I had no other choice but to leave Cambridge. I liked Boston bette-"

"Shhh! Don't say that too loudly!" Matt slapped his hand over Izzy's mouth. "You're in a different town now."

"Thanks for the advice," Izzy pushed Matt's hand off his face.

"Matt giving advice?"

"Sora?" I said. Sora was the girl of my dreams. I had a huge crush on her for as long as I could remember, but when I finally recognized my feelings for her, it was too late. She was interested in Matt, and the feelings were mutual. They dated throughout high school, but broke off their relationship before we all went our separate ways. Even though I was happy for them getting together, I also had this feeling of jealousy and bitterness every time they did lovey-dovey things like hold hands, kiss, and other coupley things. When I heard they broke up, I was so conflicted. On one hand, I was the happiest guy in the world, but on the other hand, I felt like the shittiest friend ever because of my schadenfreude.

"I haven't seen any of you in forever! How are you doing? I can't believe this! I missed you all!" Sora excitedly rambled on. "Move over, Izzy," she bumped her hip against his arm.

"A please would have sufficed," Izzy made some room for Sora.

"Sora, what are you doing here? I mean, I'm happy that you're here, but I-did I mention I'm glad to see you?" I stutter. Izzy smirked at me and TK looked like he was trying not to laugh. Matt and Sora were the only ones who were acting normal.

"You won't believe this! I've got some great news!" Sora grinned.

"What is it?" TK asked.

"I just got an int-"

"Wahhhhh!"

"If I didn't know any better, that sounded a lot like-"

"Mimi?" Sora leaned out of the booth.

"Oh, good! I thought I was going crazy. My day was totally sucky and I thought I was going crazy because I saw you guys and I'm so happy that it's actually you!" Mimi broke down crying and pressed her soggy face on my chest.

"Mimi, what's wrong?" I awkwardly patted her on the head. Truth is, Mimi kind of scares me, even to this day. She's a very emotional person, but don't try comforting her. One false move, and she'll bite your head off. Not literally, but I've been close enough to provoke her.

"Well...," Mimi sniffled.

* * *

_Earlier that day..._

"Hmm," a stern-looking woman flipped through a pink binder.

"So, what do you think?" Mimi eagerly said.

"Hmph," the woman chucked the binder to the other side of the room. "That's what I think."

"What? Why?" Mimi's jaw dropped.

"What exactly makes you any different from the average girl who loves to shop? Nothing. Your portfolio is bland. There's nothing in there that makes you stand out. I'd rather admit a person with the ugliest designs into this school, and do you want to know why? Because their design leaves a strong impact; it's unique, it's unforgettable. That rubbish," the woman pointed to the pink binder on the floor, "could easily be found on a display window at Sears."

"Uh-," Mimi grunted.

"Take a look at Stake Four's portfolio," the woman dropped a yellow binder in Mimi's lap. "Now, her designs aren't something I would wear, but it's different. When your fashion is as whimsical as hers, then you can reapply to FIT."

"Thank you for your time," Mimi sniffled.

"The door is right behind you," the woman flipped through a stack of papers. "You can tell the next person to come in."

* * *

"I'm sorry, Mimi," TK frowned.

"That's crazy! You have to be the most fashionable person I know," Matt said.

"That was my dream school...," Mimi sobbed.

"Screw FIT! You're too good for a school like that anyways," I said. "You don't need to impress a school who doesn't want you anyways!"

"Uh oh...," Izzy mouthed.

"SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT I CAN'T IMPRESS THAT SCHOOL?" Mimi growled.

"Ahhhh!" I shrieked. "You know what I meant to say!"

"Yeah," Mimi slightly calmed down. "My dream school thinks I suck," she started to cry again.

"No, I wasn't trying to s-,"

"Tai, stop talking before you upset the rest of us," Matt shook his head.

"So, what's your good news?" Izzy asked Sora.

"It's not a big deal," Sora grabbed a coaster and started to fiddle with it.

"Hmm," I gave her a look. Whatever Sora was excited about had to be big; she never acted like a happy Mimi over something small.

"Hey guys, my name's Lily. What would you guys like to drink?" the fancy-moves bartender hopped in front of our table.

"I'll have a scotch on rocks," Izzy said.

"A Cosmopolitan for me," Matt winked at the bartender.

"That has to be the girliest drink ever," TK remarked.

"And you're the girliest boy ever," Matt said back.

"Nope, you're the girliest boy ever," I said to Matt.

"Hah hah," Sora laughed.

"Uh, sorry," TK apologized to the now impatient bartender. "I'll have a Jack and Coke," TK flashed the bartender a nervous smile.

"Stella for me," Sora said.

"I'll have another Nakasawa," I raised my beer mug at her.

"I'll take the usual," Mimi whimpered.

"What's the usual?" the bartender shot Mimi an irate look.

"What I normally get!" Mimi whined.

"This is the first time you've stepped foot in this bar! I don't know what you normally get," the bartender crossed her arms.

"A Shirley Temple," Mimi said.

"Dirty Shirley or Shirley Vomit?" the bartender said.

"Ew. I just want a normal Shirley Temple," Mimi said.

"You mean non-alcoholic?" the bartender asked.

"Yeah," Mimi said.

"Alright. I'll be back," the bartender walked away.

"So, anything happened with you guys?" Sora asked.

"I burned my crotch with hot coffee," TK said.

"I moved to New York," Izzy bitterly said.

"I got yelled at by a bunch of old guys," I added.

"Some sweaty guy 'borrowed' my towel and gave it back to me. I had to burn it," Matt said.

"Sounds like you all had great days," Sora awkwardly nodded her head.

"Really? Cause my day sucks. Thank god my shift ended five minutes ago," Joe placed all of our drinks on the table and sat down next to Mimi and I. "Mimi, I put some extra cherries in your drink."

"Thanks Joe," Mimi smiled.

"Isn't it pretty cool how we all managed to run into each other?" TK said.

"It made my day," I nodded.

"Definitely. I might actually have a decent time in New York now that I know you guys are here," Izzy said.

"I missed you guys," Mimi held on tighter to me.

"This has to be the best day of my life," Sora smiled.

"Here's a toast to us!" Matt raised his glass.

"To us," we said at the same time and clinked our glasses.

And this is how my life started to pick up. Running into one friend in a huge city is pretty lucky, but running into a bunch of old friends is even luckier.

* * *

**Important Message from Lily:**

Hey guys! I want to add some recurring characters to the story. If you're interested, you can submit an OC for the story. Just fill out the template below (I've even provided an example underneath) and PM it to CelticMagic. I'm sorry, but I will **NOT** accept any OCs submitted through comments (for the sole purpose of keeping the characters a surprise for everyone else). I can't guarantee that all of your OCs will be in this story, but I'll try to put as many as I can in without taking away the attention from the canon characters. Also, I like variety, so try to be different!

**Template**

**Name:**

**Ethnicity:**

**Eye Color:**

**Hair Color:**

**Body Build:**

**Personality Traits:**

**Occupation:**

**Likes/Interests:**

**Dislikes/Pet Peeves:**

**Any Additional Info:**

**Example**

**Name: **Lily Reid_  
_

**Ethnicity: **White (Irish & German)

**Eye Color: **Green

**Hair Color: **Red

**Body Build: **Petite, small and slender, tiny all around

**Personality Traits: **mostly friendly, but can be oblivious to her bluntness, tactlessness. Also has the tendency to be a "little" obnoxious.

**Occupation: **Bartender

**Likes/Interests: **Sports (mostly basketball games), TDI File Island, cosplaying on TDI File Island, Bob Dylan, Digimon, beer, Boston Red Sox, Boston Celtics, the color green, free food, tailgating, sleeping in late

**Dislikes/Pet Peeves: **Gennai, people who post negative comments on things they know they hate, the Yankees, her drawing skills, how much of a hot mess Orlando Magic is, materialistic people, American cheese

**Any Additional Info: **Used to be a jazz and Irish step-dancer; works while studying at university; says she's Catholic when in reality, she hasn't stepped foot in a church since Aunt Kelley's wedding...which was around three years ago? Also, belly buttons gross her out. Isn't she boring?


	2. Dirty Jobs

**Dirty Jobs**

"Yo guys! You'll never believe what I found!" Matt dashed over to the booth.

"What?" Tai asked.

"Okay, so you know the Russian guy who lives in the apartment next door?" Matt shook TK's arm.

"You mean the old Polish guy who keeps handing me bible tracts?" TK asked.

"Yeah, that guy! Anyways, he's moving out and he just gave me a box full of dirty magazines," Matt grinned.

"What?! I thought Mr. Borkowski was an upstanding, righteous man!" TK gasped.

"He sure is! Anyways, I was innocently flipping through my newly-acquired magazines when I saw...this!" Matt slammed a magazine down on the table.

"College Girls Who Love Sports...so what?" Izzy read the cover.

"Turn to page 69," Matt smirked.

"Don't do it!" Sora snatched the magazine away before anyone could touch it.

"Why not?" Mimi flashed her a devious smile.

"Uh...because those kind of magazines are degrading to women! Yeah, that's why!" Sora's face turned red.

"Yoink!" Mimi took the magazine from Sora's hands and flipped to the page.

"No, no, no, no, no, no...," Sora squeezed her head.

"Oh my gosh, it's you!" Mimi squealed.

"What?!" the boys gasped in unison.

"Check it out!" Mimi passed the magazine to TK.

"Sora?" TK gaped at the magazine.

"Aren't you the aspiring Anna Pornikova?" Izzy smirked.

"Hey, hey, hey! It's not porn!" Matt said.

"Thank you, Matt," Sora shielded her blushing face with her hand.

"Izzy, you have a lot to learn. For one thing, it's just a topless picture. It's not like it was a full nude shot," Matt corrected.

"Thanks, Matt...," Sora groaned.

"Also, Sora's boobs are real! Porn stars don't have real boobs."

"Again, thanks, Matt...," Sora shook her head.

" If you think about it, she's like the modern-day Marilyn Monroe, and Marilyn Monroe is the classiest woman known to man!" Matt said.

"I'm pretty sure there are classier women than Marilyn, but even if there isn't, I don't think Sora really qualifies as iconic as Marilyn Monroe," Izzy said.

"Thanks...," Sora pressed her lips together.

"Come on. It's not like something I haven't seen before," Matt grinned.

"Hey, guys! Just finished my shift- oh boy! What are you looking at?" Joe hovered over the booth.

"Sora's topless photos," TK casually said.

"Oh boy...," Joe gulped.

"Can we stop looking at the magazine now?" Sora tried to get the magazine back but Mimi snatched it away.

"I wouldn't be shy if I were you. You look hot!" Mimi said.

"What?!" all of the boys looked at her.

"Doesn't she? Look at those-," Mimi held the magazine up for the boys to see.

"Alright! Looking time's over!" Sora yelled.

"Yeah! Knock it off! If she doesn't want people to look at it, then stop it. Mimi, hand it over," Tai held up his hand.

"Why did you pose for Busted?" Joe asked, staring at the page.

"I needed money so that I could stay in college. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, I swear!"

* * *

"Hey! Do you go to college?" a perky, blonde girl asked Sora.

"Yeah," Sora slowly nodded.

"Do you like sports?"

"Yeah," Sora said.

"Do you play sports?" the girl asked.

"Yeah. I play tennis," Sora said.

"Oh goody! Listen, we're doing a photo shoot that'll feature a bunch of sports-loving college girls, and you'd be perfect!"

"I would?" Sora said.

"Like totally! If you're interested, stop by this address, okay? We could really use a tennis player," the girl scribbled on a piece of paper and handed it to Sora.

* * *

"Please don't tell me you actually showed up. I mean, you obviously did go, but what possessed you to do such a thing? Did it ever occur to you that it might have been something sketchy? Were you even a slight bit suspicious?" Joe ranted.

"Don't work yourself up in a sweat over something that already happened," Sora said.

* * *

"Are you Sora?" a tall and skinny woman asked.

"That's me," Sora said.

"Great. Your makeup crew is waiting for you," the woman led Sora to a dressing room.

"It's about time you got here! Take this and put it on," a slender man handed Sora a garment bag.

"Where's the top?" Sora zipped open the bag.

"Hah hah hah! Aren't you funny?" a makeup lady chuckled.

"What's so funny about that?" Sora made a face.

"Well, this is a photo shoot for Busted Magazine...," the man said.

"You mean the porn magazine?" Sora stuttered.

"It is not a porn magazine! It's a monthly collection of sexy model shots taken by talented photographers," the thin man said.

"I don't know if I can do this...," Sora bit her lip.

"Why not? You have some valuable assets," a costume designer pointed at Sora's chest. "Why not use them before the value deflates?"

"Uh...," Sora looked stunned.

"She's right. The models usually get $10,000 for posing in our photo shoots," the makeup artist casually cleaned off her workstation.

"You shouldn't pass up an opportunity like that. Not many girls get paid $10,000 to just sit there and be hot," the costume designer said.

"You could buy a really good used car with that money," a hairstylist walked into the dressing room.

"Or pay off some college loans...I should have never pursued a bachelor's in Theatre," the skinny man sighed.

"College...I could really use the money," Sora said to herself.

* * *

"Wow! $10,000?" Tai raised an eyebrow.

"Actually, they gave me another $5,000 because I ended up being the centerfold. I guess they really liked my picture," Sora bashfully shrugged. "Can we stop looking at it now?"

"In a minute," Matt kept ogling the magazine.

"Alright, I think we've had enough for today," Tai grabbed the magazine from Matt.

"Hey! I wasn't done with that," Matt whined.

"Come on, Matt. Haven't you ever done anything embarrassing for money?" TK smirked.

"Nope. My job pays for my college," Matt confidently smiled.

"What do you do for a living?" Joe asked.

"I told you guys. I'm an astronaut-in-training," Matt said.

"Yeah, right. And I'm the next Chuck Palahniuk," TK rolled his eyes.

"Who?" Matt scratched his head.

"Fine, I'll be the next...J.K. Rowling," TK huffed.

"Who?" Matt asked.

"The author who wrote Harry Potter," Izzy sighed.

"Come on, Matt. What about Rampu?" TK smirked.

"Rampu?" everyone quizzically repeated.

"Rampu," TK grinned.

"Uncool, TK. Uncool," Matt covered his face with his hands.

"What's with the Rampu?" Tai asked.

"Hold up, let's see if I can find it on my phone," TK tapped away at his smartphone. "Okay everyone! Gather round!"

* * *

"Dad, what are you doing?"

"It's a lot better if you see this for yourself. If I tell you, it won't be as funny," Tai took his son's laptop and typed away. "This is a commercial your Uncle Matt did back when he was younger."

"_I used to be more clogged up than an obese American's arteries, until I found out about Rampu. No, not that rampu_," Matt held up a lamp and tossed it to the side. "_This Rampu!_" he held up a box of pills. "_Ever since I discovered Rampu, I've been shining a bright smile of relief. Rampu! Makes you 'pu' as fast as lightning!_"

"Wha...?" Tai's son stared stupidly at his laptop screen.

"You only see commercials like that in Japan," Tai burst out laughing.

"Was he selling pooping pills?"

"Yep," Tai wiped a tear from his cheek. "Now let's get back to the story!"

* * *

"Okay...," Izzy made a face.

"Ugh, gross!" Mimi grimaced.

"I don't think those pills are good for your health," Joe commented.

"I don't know why you kept bugging about Sora posing for Busted when you just broadcasted yourself as a constipated person," Tai shook his head.

"Whatever! I still had it going on! A lot of chicks were begging me to bang them!" Matt protested.

"Until they found out you were in the Rampu commercial. After that commercial aired on TV, Mattykins ran over to America because he couldn't deal with the constant rejection from hot girls," TK mocked.

"Shut up," Matt twisted the skin on TK's upper arm.

"Ow!" TK elbowed Matt in the gut.

"You're all just jealous because I was on TV! At least I wasn't spreading my seeds around," Matt flicked TK's head.

"What does he mean by that?" Mimi asked.

"TK's a sperm donor," Matt stuck his tongue out.

"So what?" TK turned red. "When push comes to shove, sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. My part-time job at a tiny bookstore in Brooklyn is not going to cut it."

* * *

"So you're a halfsie?"

"Yeah," TK said.

"Mmkay," a female nurse wrote on her clipboard. "Did you ever have sex from the years 1961-1979?"

"I wasn't even born then," TK gave the nurse a strange look.

"Are you a Republican or Democrat?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" TK asked.

"Someone's a closet Republican," the nurse raised an eyebrow.

"No-I, uh...," TK moved his hair out of his eyes.

"Did you ever get into an altercation with a werewolf or a vampire?"

"No...," TK said.

"Kim and Kanye or Khloe and Lamar?" the nurse asked.

"I'm sorry, but how is that important? I don't even know who those people are," TK said.

"Alright, last question. How's Thursday night sound?" the nurse said.

"I'm very flattered but-"

"You should be flattered. You know, not many possible donors make it this far. You have a clean family history, you do have desirable physical features, no records of STD's, drug use, or food allergies. Congratulations, Mr. Takaishi. You made it to the next round. Just come by on Thursday, and we'll draw your first sample," the nurse said.

"Okay," TK nodded.

"By the way, you can't have sex or wank off 48 hours before you make a deposit," the nurse casually said. "Think you can handle that?"

"Yeah, I shouldn't be able to have a problem with that," TK said.

"Remember, as long as you contribute to this bank, we own your balls now," the nurse said.

"Um okay...," TK gulped.

"Just wanted to let you know what to expect! Have a nice day!" the nurse smiled.

"What did I just get myself into?" TK groaned.

"Before I forget, you never told me how Thursday night sounds. After you make your donation, we could go to dinner," the nurse coyly said.

"I-I-I'm gay," TK lied.

"Should have known. All the pretty ones are gay," the nurse walked away.

* * *

"I wonder how many kids are running around with your DNA," Izzy smirked.

"Come on! I really don't want to think of it in that way. Damn you, Matt...," TK groaned.

"Don't worry, TK. We've all done something embarrassing," Mimi put her hand on top of his.

"What did you do?" Tai smirked.

"Umm...," Mimi pressed her lips together.

"Do we have another girl gone wild?" Matt winked.

"You wish," Mimi scoffed.

"Whaddya do?" Tai asked.

"Don't judge me...," Mimi wrung her hands.

"Tell us, tell us, tell us!" Matt bounced in his seat.

"Alright, I'll tell you," Mimi took in a deep breath. "I worked at a Sub Station down in Waverly Place."

"Aw, poor Mimi! It must have been traumatic for our little princess to work in the food industry," Izzy sarcastically said. "Welcome to the real world, Meems. Sometimes we all can't work in a high-class fashion job."

"Hey! I didn't have a problem working at a sandwich shop. The real problem was standing in front of the restaurant in a sandwich costume!" Mimi snapped.

"You dressed up as a sandwich?" TK struggled not to laugh.

"It was so embarrassing, but I needed to find a job to pay for community college. I hated it so much at the sub shop! The owner was a cheapskate and his daughter was a mean, spoiled brat. The rest of the family was nice, but that girl really made me mad. She was obnoxious and got away with everything while her brothers had to fix her mistakes. The older brother was a bit of a geek, but he was really sweet. He was kinda cute too...anyways, the younger brother was just plain weird. I'm pretty sure he was a pothead. What I couldn't stand was how the daughter's fashion-disaster friend would hang around the shop all the time. She's really nice, but she was the one who made the stupid sandwich costume. The owner's daughter was supposed to wear it, but she gets to do whatever she wants, so I ended up having to wear it," Mimi shook her head.

* * *

"Harper, what's in the box?" a petite Hispanic woman asked a redheaded girl.

"Oh, this? Just whipped it up last night! I thought it would bring in some business," the redheaded girl placed a huge cardboard box down on the counter.

"It better not be like those stupid poodle skirts you made," a snotty, dark-haired girl said.

"Alex, don't be mean! Don't listen to her, Harper. Those skirts were adorable," the Hispanic woman patted Harper's shoulders.

"Thanks, Mrs. Russo," Harper beamed. "You know how some restaurants use sandwich boards to advertise their business? Well, I thought we should take it a step further and use sandwich costumes!"

"Hah hah hah, you're kidding, right?" Alex snorted.

"I think that's a great idea!" a balding, chubby guy said.

"Thanks, Mr. Russo!" Harper smiled. "Alex, since I already know your measurements, I made the sandwich in your size."

"You must be delusional if you think I'm going to wear that!" Alex said in disgust.

"Why? I think you'd look so cute!" Mrs. Russo pinched her daughter's cheek.

"Ugh, Mom. I think you just managed to make yourself more embarrassing than the sandwich costume," Alex swatted her mother's hand away.

"Whoa? Is that a big sandwich in the box? Cool...," a tan, young boy with brown hair nodded and walked away.

"Ugh, Max is so weird," Alex rolled her eyes.

"ALEX!"

"If it isn't Professor Dorkus from the land of Nerdyland," Alex said.

"Mom, Dad. I've had it up to here with her! She was supposed to mop the kitchen floor!" a dorky-looking boy stormed up to his parents.

"Justin's lying! I did mop the floor!" Alex whined.

"Funny, because last time I checked, you had to use a mop to mop a floor! If you mopped the floor like you said, then why isn't the mop wet?" Justin angrily held on to a mop.

"All I heard was '_whomp whomp mop mop mop_'. You sound like the grown-ups on Peanuts," Alex cackled.

"Justin, be nice to your sister," Mr. Russo warned.

"But I wasn't-gah! Look, all she did was dump water on the floor and basically create a mini-flood! She could have gotten someone hurt! It's a good thing I caught the new waitress before she cracked her head on the wet floor!" Justin yelled.

"Oh no, we can't have a lawsuit. I don't know that girl too well, but something tells me she's the suing type," Mr. Russo narrowed his eyes.

"You said that about Harper-" Mrs. Russo said.

"He did?" Harper looked hurt.

"But he was wrong! Now, you're like the daughter we wish our daughter could be!" Mrs. Russo hugged Harper.

"Aw, thanks! I never get this much love back at home. My parents are always telling me how untalented and bland I am," Harper said.

"Your parents must be freaks," Alex muttered.

"Mimi! Can you please come over here?" Mr. Russo yelled.

"Coming!" Mimi limped over to the Russo clan.

"Can you do me a favor and mop the kitchen floor dry?" Mr. Russo asked.

"Dad! We hired her to be a waitress, not to be Alex's personal maid! Alex should learn how to do her job right!" Justin yelled.

"Justin, you're right! Alex, you put this on and stand out in front of the restaurant. You know how to be adorable," Mrs. Russo held up the sandwich costume.

"I'm not wearing that! Why don't you make Kiki wear it? She looks like she's my size. After all, we're not paying her to stand around doing nothing," Alex made a face at Mimi.

"Dad, don't let Alex-" Justin said.

"Alex has a good point. Mimi, you're our new sandwich girl! Here, you can carry our Lunch Special board," Mr. Russo handed Mimi a blackboard.

"A sandwich holding a board is way more innovative than a plain old sandwich board!" Mrs. Russo smiled.

"Oh, don't forget the toothpick hat!" Harper dug through her box and pulled out a hat with a long, thin piece of wood poking out of it.

"Fabulous," Mimi gulped.

"Daddy, can I have some money to go to the mall?" Alex sweetly said.

"No, don't-" Justin shook his head.

"Of course you can," Mr. Russo handed her a couple of crisp $20 bills.

"I love you, Daddy!" Alex hugged her father and left.

"Alex," Justin grumbled under his breath.

"I guess it's time to be a sandwich," Mimi sighed.

* * *

"Wow, that sounds like a horrible job," Sora frowned.

"You better believe it. Tip: Don't ever work at a family business, unless you are part of the family. They always hung out in the freezer while I was embarrassing myself in front of people for minimum wage," Mimi pouted.

"Yeah, I understand how you feel. That's what I'm doing right now," Joe sighed.

"I don't see you wearing a ridiculous costume," Mimi pursed her lips.

"No, but this job definitely wears down my dignity," Joe whined.

"Joey! Whaddya doing talking with your buds? You have some beer to tap and some puke to clean up in the girls' bathroom!" the redheaded bartender flicked Joe in the head.

"My shift ended an hour ago," Joe said.

"Oh, okay. We'll leave the puke there for you to clean up tomorrow. Have a good one," the bartender slapped Joe on the back and walked off.

"Wow, I guess I didn't have the worst job in the world," Mimi said.

"Thanks," Joe sighed.

"I'd rather clean up puke than to work where I used to work," Izzy shuddered.

"Where did you work?" TK asked.

"Back when I lived in Boston, I worked at a shop called Pinkalicious. Actually, it seems like it would be Mimi's haven. There was so much pink stuff and glitter everywhere. I never felt so emasculated in my life," Izzy made a face.

"Come on! You must have been surrounded by a lot of hot chicks," Tai winked.

"It might have been okay if all the girls didn't think I was gay," Izzy sighed.

* * *

"Excuse me! Which color do you think I look better in? Bubblegum pink or cotton candy pink?" a girl held up two dresses in identical colors.

"Uh...," Izzy blinked.

"Cotton candy?" the girl held up one dress in front of her. "Or bubblegum?"

"Aren't they both the same col-?" Izzy cleared his throat. "Ahem, I mean I think you look pretty in both colors."

"You think? Thanks!" the girl smiled. "I'll get both then! If only you were straight," the girl pinched Izzy's cheek.

"But I am-"

"You gay guys really know your stuff! It's just a shame you're not into girls!"

"But I-"

"Like come on, no straight guy would ever be caught dead wearing a cute, pink apron, let alone work here! Okay, I'm ready to pay now!" the girl said.

"Alright, let's ring you up...," Izzy groaned.

* * *

"I could see why they thought you were homo. You are skinny, and short, and gingery...and you talk like a donkey high on helium-," Matt said.

"Rampu!" Izzy snottily said.

"He got you there," Tai laughed at Matt.

"Hey Tai! If you're such a big shot, then you shouldn't be afraid to tell us about your former gigs," Matt crossed his arms.

"Um, I used to work at the Penalty Box, I was a camp counselor for some kiddie camp, I was a junior coach for a girls' soccer team, and I had a paid internship last year. That's about all of the jobs I've had," Tai shrugged.

"Seriously? No embarrassing jobs?" TK asked in disbelief.

"Nope, unless you count letting 12-year-old girls clip butterfly barrettes in your hair as embarrassing," Tai said.

"Geez, you're lucky," Mimi whined.

"No, he's just shameless," Sora said.

"That's not true. I'd be too embarrassed to star in a poop commercial," Tai smirked.

"Stop talking about it!" Matt turned red.

"Maybe if you didn't tease Sora, you wouldn't have to experience a taste of your own medicine," Joe said.

"You know what, Joe? Go clean up some puke," Matt stuck out his tongue.

"At least he won't be cleaning up your poop, not that you can poop without a little help from Ram-poo!" Tai high-fived TK.

"Hey guys, want another round?" the bartender asked.

"Sure," Tai nodded.

"Same here," Sora held up her beer bottle.

"Can I get an Appletini?" Matt asked.

"Seriously? My 9-year-old niece drinks manlier drinks than you, and she likes pretty pink ponies," the bartender shook her head in disapproval.

"That kind of drinking is hazardous to someone that young," Joe gasped.

"We're Irish, we can take it," the bartender winked.

"I don't think that's the point...," Sora said.

"Did I ask you for health advice? Look, I'm not the one who's responsible for my niece. Otherwise that would make me her mom. Besides, it was an exaggeration," the bartender huffed.

"So she doesn't drink manlier drinks than Matt?" Izzy asked.

"No, I meant the pretty, pink ponies part. Now, want another round?"

"I'm good," Izzy shook his head.

"Can I get more cherries?" Mimi asked.

"What do I look like to you? Your pal, Joey? Sorry, but one cherry per drink," the bartender said.

"Oh, okay," Mimi frowned.

"Everyone good? Good," the bartender walked off.

"TK, weren't you going to get a Jack and Coke?" Tai asked.

"No, I'm trying to save up whatever I can. Hopefully I can come up with this month's rent by the end of the week," TK sighed.

"I thought you already had the rent money," Matt said.

"I lost it, remember? It would be a lot easier if you could help me out. You do share the apartment with me; it's only fair," TK said.

"Yeah, Matt. Stop being such a freeloader," Tai said.

"Trust me, if I could, I would help out, but my job doesn't pay me in cash," Matt said.

"Your job doesn't pay you with cash?" Joe asked.

"Nope," Matt said.

"What kind of job is that?" Mimi looked confused.

"I already told you, I'm an astronaut-in-training," Matt huffed.

"Not this again," Izzy groaned.

"I'm not joking! My job pays for my school and I get a lot of free benefits, including free gym memberships, spa treatments, healthy meals prepared-to-go, transportation, and laundry services!"

"Seriously, Matt. Where do you work?" Sora asked.

"If you ask me, it sounds like he's working for the mafia," Izzy noted.

"You're a mobster?" Mimi gasped.

"I am not a mobster," Matt slowly said.

"I don't know, Matt. You're either a mobster or a billionaire's trophy wife. Whatever you are, just make sure the grown-up Lunchables keep on coming," TK took a sip of his water.

"TK?"

"Kari?!" everyone gasped.


End file.
